Here at Gaydar HQ, we like to discuss and share thoughts on popular gay topics. Just last week, we had coffee with a close friend of ours who is gay and had a child with lesbian 21 years ago. Our burning question to him was ‘What comments as a gay parent are you tired of listening to?
Here is what he said…
“Wow, you must miss the gay lifestyle though"
Just because some of us choose to have children doesn’t mean we give up the gay scene completely. There are things called babysitters and besides, children grow up. We can still go to parties, we can still hang out with our other gay friends because just like straight people, our children do not take up 100% of our lives.
“Aren’t you worried they won’t get a good mother/father figure?“
Funnily enough no. We like to think of the majority of people being well-rounded and not the only people our children will meet. Other family exists, as do friends, teachers and the kids at our children’s schools.
“What’s the point of having kids if you’re gay?“
Believe it or not, I know loads of people who got this question put to them by other gay people when they chose to have children. We just have to say, what does this even mean?!
“Wow, you’re doing a great job of raising them despite being, well, you know, not the norm.”
We know. If people are trying to tell us this because we are gay and you think we need to hear it, we don’t. Being gay has absolutely no knock on effect to parenting at all, good or bad, you’re either a good parent or not, sexuality is not an issue.
“Is the biological mother/father in the child’s life?"
Can people see we are doing a good job? Can people see your child is not some feral, crazy animal? If so, why does it matter? OK, granted this question isn’t really offensive, but seriously, why the interest? If the father or mother in a straight relationship has a full on job that requires them to be away from the house all the time you probably wouldn’t ask right?
“How do you talk to your kids about sex? How does the ‘birds and the bees’ chat go?“
We give them the birds and the bees chat, simple as. If people are wondering what we tell them about gay sex, we are not sat there telling them about the joys of anal, we leave the explicit things out, just like heterosexual couples do.
“Are you worried they are going to have their sexuality/lifestyle too influenced by yours?“
Oh yes of course because straight people are exactly like their parents aren’t they! Our children will be who they are… Will they listen to more Grace Jones than the average heterosexual child does? Possibly, but that’s about as far as the ‘influence’ goes.
“Do you think it would be cute if they ended up gay too?“
As gay people, we know how hard it was growing up gay. Some gay men and women would think their children’s lives easier if they were straight. So that maybe they wouldn’t have to face the same hardships. But society is changing and being gay is something that is becoming increasing accepted. But at the end of the day, a parents love and support for their child is never ending. Gay, straight or bi.
“OMG that’s so adorable awwww“
Anything along these lines is just annoying. I used to know a gay couple who would always be invited to parties with their child just so everyone could marvel at the cute gays with the kid. Bless..! It’s kind of weird, I mean, we love them but they are just kids, and we are just partners. If we walked in with ten thousand puppies, well that’s another matter entirely.
“What do you kids call you? It must be confusing to have two daddies.“
Some people use first names, some people use dad and daddy, or a first name for one parent and dad for another etc. Either way, why is it a question that needs answering? Why is it so important? Why are straight people even concerning themselves with that question. It isn’t confusing to our children because chances are, that’s all they have ever known.